Soul Awakening
by bookworm0509
Summary: SV; What happens when heart battles head, S3 ep.18 and on. Originally posted on sd-1.
1. Inferno

**Author:** Bookworm  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Missing scenes from S3 ep.18 and on

**AN:** I always think there is a lot left unsaid between the end of S3 and the beginning of S4 ... there are changes in characters (especially in Syd & Vaughn and the way they relate) left to be explored and explained. I know that has a lot to do with changes in the show's creative direction and I am not fully satisfied by the development. I am a huge SV shipper so continuity in their character and relationship development are very important to me. I've been re-watching the entire series and couldn't help the itch to fill in some gaps. This fic will pave the way for more S4 SV missing scenes.

I wrote the first 4 chapters years ago and decided to finish it. This story will finish with Chapter 5 and if there are still SV fic readers, I will post new stories.

**Chapter 1 - Inferno**

I haven't been very honest to myself lately.  
I have been acting emotionally lately.  
I wonder if that has to do with my heart beginning to awaken lately.

Starting from when we found out Lauren was the mole, I had been doing battles with myself. Up on that roof when Vaughn told us what he found out, I had to fight every fibre in my body not to gather him into my arms to tell him he would be okay and we would get through it together. Despite his stoic expression, his pained look broke my heart. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard my father send him back to play Lauren. I went against my better judgement and kept silent because part of me had been bitter, whether I wanted to admit it or not.

All hell broke loose on my plane ride back to LA after Sloane got away with Nadia in Chechnya. Ten minutes after the plane took off, my dad sat me down to deliver the "news".

"Sydney, there's something you need to know …" he paused and I saw a hint of guilt in my father's eyes which sent chill down my spine … what could be so bad?

"Lauren and Sark took Vaughn … he's been missing since 2 p.m. this afternoon." All of a sudden, my rage against Sloane's yet another betrayal became secondary.

"But Lauren and Sark just came after us in Chechnya … how could they have …" my mind couldn't comprehend what had happened as it was quickly filled with fear.  
"You knew about this back in the safe house, didn't you?" I could feel my anger rise as I slowly put the pieces together. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"There is nothing you could've done, Sydney ... The CIA have put all their resources behind looking for Vaughn." As if that should comfort me right now.

"I would've made Lauren and Sark talk..." Even though my father and I barely escaped, I was so sure I would've stopped at nothing to find out what they had done to Vaughn.

"I need a phone." I didn't let my distaste go unnoticed in my tone.

My father handed me the sat phone and I was connected to Dixon right away. "Have you found him?" I could feel my heart in my throat when I asked.

"Syd? No, I'm very sorry but, Sydney, you have my word that all available resources have been and will be tasked to locate Vaughn."

"Dixon, you don't understand, if Lauren and Sark took him, and they are Covenant, they could've handed him over already... we may never find him or get to know whether he is alive or dead ..."I heard my voice tremble. My greatest fear was that Vaughn would suffer my fate and after everything we'd been through, I was sure I would not be strong enough to lose him all over again.

"Sydney, we will find him ... I will call you as soon as we have any leads." Dixon's determination did little to calm me.

"Ok ... thank you." I said flatly as a growing void took over ...

The next few hours were excruciating ... I had not felt this helpless since my flight back to LA after handing Sloane over to Sark in Tokyo ... I spent 14 hours worry sick if I got the antidote to Vaughn in time to save his life... Four years later I found myself in the same dire situation. I silently prayed over and over again, in French. Somehow I let myself believe that would get me a stronger connection to Vaughn.

When my father approached to offer me water, I decided to let him know what was on my mind. "You should never have asked Vaughn to go back to Lauren after he found out ... I don't care how useful you thought he was!"

"She was his problem and he needed to be part of the solution."

"No, he didn't." I had no patience left for any more warped logic and I got up to sit by the window hoping I could see the lights of LA soon.

"Vaughn! Are you okay?" I answered without thinking when the sat phone finally rang.

"Syd ... it's Weiss. We found him ... about an hour ago ..." NO! Eric's tone was one he always used whenever he tried to calm me... What was he not telling me?  
"Syd, Syd ... I need you to listen to me closely and not freak out. Can you do that?" NO ... I wanted to scream but I had no voice. Eric took my silence as affirmative and continued, "We found him in an abandoned warehouse. Sark and Lauren were gone. But they had given him the Inferno Protocol before they took off."

"What? They put him through the Inferno ..." I struggled to make sense of what I just heard ...

"I'm not going to lie to you, Syd, it was touch-and-go for a little while but the ER doc thinks they had stabled him marginally." Just tell me if he's okay ... please! Eric paused briefly to construct his next sentence. "The thing is, Sydney, the doctor is a bit concerned about his neurological response and that makes regulating his heart more difficult. But here's where you can help. Your name was the only word the doctors could make out when Vaughn went in and out of consciousness. They think you can help 'clear the fog' in his mind if he can hear your voice".

"But, Eric, I am at least two hours away from landing."

"I know it's not perfect but I can put the phone by his ear and you can speak to him. Just keep talking for awhile so he can hear your voice. Soon as you land, I will have a chopper waiting to take you to Standford. Syd, you ready? The doctors think we need to give this a try now before they give him more drastic counter-measure drugs that could cause problems with other organs."

"Ok, Weiss, put him on." I heard Weiss mumble to convince the doctors to give me a chance, "I got Sydney on the phone. Give this a try ... believe me ... if Vaughn is going to respond to anything, it will be Sydney." "Alright, she'll have 15 – 20 minutes max before we start the drip." I was scared out of my mind to hear what the doctor just said. But I was also determined. Vaughn needed me and I would get through to him. I always did.

"Vaughn, Vaughn ... I know you can hear me ... I promise I will be with you very soon but I need you to do something for me. I need you to follow my voice and come back to me."

"Vaughn, remember – we'll always find each other ... we always do. Now, you need to find me. I know you can ... just try ..."

"I've missed you so much, Vaughn but I think we're gonna make it ... just don't give up!"

"There's so much I want to tell you ... and you're the only person I want to talk to about this ... I did find my sister but Sloane betrayed us again and took her ... sorry, you don't need to know this right now ... we can talk about this later ... I need you to get better first ... can you do that?"

"If you want me to, I will totally tell my dad off for making you go back to Lauren ... you always find it amusing whenever I tried to piss my father off on purpose ... you always get a kick out of it ... I don't blame you ..."

"Vaughn ... I really missed you and this flight is just insanely long. I can't wait to see you. Promise me, when I get there, I'll get to see you smile ... actually, a hug would be nice too ... if you're up to it ..." I couldn't help a soft laugh ... somehow, being able to say all this to Vaughn was surprisingly therapeutic. I felt connected to him, and even though I was still anxious, I was more hopeful.

I was not sure how long I talked on the phone – it could not be any more than 30 minutes – when I heard Weiss on the other end again. "Syd, it worked. His neurological pattern is returning to normal and they will keep monitoring his organ functions. I need to take the phone off so they can work on him a bit more. Just concentrate on getting here safely, Syd." With that the phone went off and I returned to the abyss of what seemed like eternal waiting...

During the whole time I was talking to Vaughn, my father discretely stayed up front near the cockpit to allow me privacy. When he realized I was no longer on the phone, he came bearing a peace offering.

"Sydney, I've spoken to our pilot and charted a course that would cut at least 30 minutes from our flight time. I needed to get military clearance but we're on course now. You should be back in LA just under an hour."

For that, I was grateful, "Thanks, Dad. That's great" I said forcing a small smile.

When we landed, I practically jumped from the cargo plane onto the awaiting chopper. "Agent Bristow, I will notify Agent Weiss that your ETA will be 20 minutes."

Weiss was already waiting when my feet touched the landing pad. The look on his face concerned me. Once we approached the inside of the hospital, he came clean with what I really did not want to hear.

"Syd, we thought he was stable but it only lasted about an hour. His neurological patterns went all over the place again and his heartbeat became too irregular. He actually arrested but the doctors were able to get him back. They think some of the Inferno drugs are having delayed effects on his brain and organs. They're still working on him so I want you to be prepared... Syd?" His voice sounded so hollow – I could hear every word he said but I just couldn't comprehend ... I must have looked ghostly as Eric grabbed onto my elbow and shook me a little.

"I just need to be inside ... take me to where he is." I felt extremely lightheaded but I made my feet move as quickly as I could.

I didn't really know how I made it into the ER where Vaughn laid – with tubes and IVs hooked up all around him and an oxygen mask to his face.

"This is Sydney ... she might be able to get him back." I heard Eric announce to the medical team.

I was at Vaughn's side – at last – grabbing onto his hand. But would this be enough to save him?

"Vaughn ... I'm here now. Please don't do this to me..."

"Just follow my voice and feel my touch. I know you can find your way back to me..."

"We got you now, Vaughn, there's nothing Sark or Lauren or the Covenant can do to you any more ... I won't let that happen. They took you away from me for 2 years and I won't let them do that again."

"Vaughn, I'm not gonna lose you twice either ... just stay with me."

I didn't even realize the medical team had left the room until they came back in. I only noticed the massive amount of tears on my face when I turned around to face the doctor approaching me.

"Sydney ... I'm Dr. Stanley ..." He introduced himself while handing me a Kleenex. "We've been watching Agent Vaughn's vitals outside and I think you got through to him again. His neurological function, his heartbeat and his vitals are approaching normal range. Now that you're here, we are quite confident that we'll be able to stabilize him."

"So, he's okay?" I asked needing to cut through the medical jargons.

"Not yet but we think he will be." Dr. Stanley gave me a reassuring smile. "Normally we don't want other people around when we're working on a patient ... but seeing that you really do help Agent Vaughn pull through, it will be a good idea for you to stay. The next 24 hours will be critical to his chances of a full recovery."

"I am not going anywhere."

Vaughn was out of the ER soon enough as his vitals and other functions continued to improve. They gave me a much more comfortable chair to sit on as I stayed stuck to his side in the ICU. I only let go of his hand whenever the medical team interfered.

I kept on talking to him, trusting that my voice would keep his mind anchored and his heart still. When the medical team hovered around, I spoke to him in French so I wouldn't share my thoughts with the rest of the hospital. I had always loved the sound of us speaking in French – another special bond that Vaughn and I shared – a bond that made me secretly proud, something I knew neither Alice nor Lauren had with him.

He seemed to be sleeping so peacefully now. I could only hope that demons from the Inferno protocol and from Lauren's betrayal would go far away from him.

For brief moments, I allowed my mind to drift – to a place where Vaughn and I looked happy together, just like the way we had always been, before my missing two years, before our world cruelly turned upside down. But I quickly pulled myself back to the present ... I was too scared to dream about a future with Vaughn. There was so much hurt, so much betrayal, so much love between us that I didn't know how we could work through all that baggage.

Somehow, I also knew we would. We would find a way to figure things out. We were both too stubborn and too in love with each other to ever really let go.  
For now, sitting in this hospital room with him was enough.

My exhaustion finally caught up to me and I fell into a content slumber atop Michael Vaughn's lap...


	2. I battle myself

**Chapter 2 - I battle myself...**

"Agent Bristow, sorry to wake you but we had to draw some blood from Agent Vaughn." The kind nurse who had been stationed close by came around my side to work on Vaughn's IV.

Soon as I rubbed the sleep away and stood up to stretch, Dr. Stanley also came through the door. I only just realized I had slept till early morning.

"Sydney, Agent Vaughn had gone 12 hours without any signs of regression and his vitals have been stable. I think I can safely say he's out of the woods and in no immediate danger. I'm going to wean the sedative off so he can wake up for further assessment. In the mean time, we will run more detail tests to determine if there is any permanent damage from the Inferno protocol."

"You will let me know?"

"Of course."

I was excited at the prospect of seeing Vaughn awake again. I didn't think I could really relax until I could see him smile and hear him call my name. "Vaughn, I am going to be right here when you wake up ..."

Eric insisted on kicking me out of the hospital when he arrived. "Syd ... why don't you go home, get some rest or grab a shower. Mike is not going to wake up yet. Plus, the docs are gonna run a whole bunch of tests on him so you might as well run home and come back a bit later."

"I promised him I would be here when he wakes up."

"And you will be ... now go, I will call you as soon as he shows any signs of waking up."

The fact that I hadn't showered in over two days began to disgust me and I would rather Vaughn wake up to a prettier sight than what I got to offer right now. So I reluctantly agreed and was slowly heading out when I heard Eric said solemnly, "he made it ... because of you. Don't forget that." His goofiness aside, Eric had not stopped to amaze me with his friendship this past year. "Thanks, I'll be back soon."

A welcoming shower, some clean clothes and a small sandwich later, I found myself driving back to the U.S. Naval Medical Centre. My heart jumped when my phone rang. "Syd, Mike is waking up ... I'm afraid you'll kick my ass if I don't call to let you know." "Weiss, when did you grow so wise?" my mood lightened as this was the best news I had heard in two days. "I am on my way already. Let Vaughn know I will be there in 10 minutes."

Before I reached Vaughn's room, I saw Dixon in the waiting area and I went up to greet him. After he assured me of the agency's commitment in locating Nadia, Dixon disclosed yet another piece of disturbing news. "Syd, before you go in there, there's something you need to know about Vaughn. The doctors ran tests to see if there were any permanents defects from the Inferno protocol ... there were none... but ...they discovered something else... signs of ...psychological conditioning. We believe Lauren was responsible."

"Has Vaughn been told?" I sighed slightly as my hatred for Lauren grew.

"I thought it'll be better he regains his strength before hearing the news." Concern in Dixon's voice was quite apparent. In some way, I was relieved Vaughn didn't have to deal with learning about this alone. I nodded and walked into Vaughn's room.

I slowly took in the sight as I quietly entered. He still looked battered and exhausted but colours had returned to his face. Even though his eyes were closed, I could sense that he was not asleep. Eager to hear his voice, I called his name in a hushed voice to not startle him, "Vaughn..."

He opened his eyes and turned to face me. Those gorgeous green eyes, thank God, I got to see them looking right at me again. Vaughn immediately held out his left hand for me to grab onto him ... I knew he needed the touch as badly as I did. I held his hand and tried to savour the moment.

"Sydney, are you alright?" I was moved to tears, only to hold back so I wouldn't worry him. Some things never changed. Vaughn had proven, even through this past year, he'd always put my interest in front of himself. He worried about me while he was the one in the hospital and nearly died.

"I'm fine." I forced a smile on my face to convince Vaughn.

He then went on to tell me I couldn't see my sister again for the sake of my life. The prophecy he was told about how the Passenger and the Chosen One would battle and neither would survive. I wanted to dismiss what I just heard. Finding my sister after all these years of believing I didn't have one was more than a big deal to me. I didn't expect Vaughn to understand that, definitely not in his current condition.

It was obvious that Vaughn had difficulty even speaking. But he fought pain and exhaustion to tell me everything he found out because my life had and would always be his priority – he had told me before and had shown me with his action that he would not take any chances with my life.

So I simply stayed with him, urged him to go back to sleep so he would get all the rest his body needed, and promised to be there when he awoke again. Between the times he slept and the medical team running more tests, we talked and joked a bit. I told him about how Dad faked Sloane's death, how we infiltrated the Trust, eventually rescued Nadia, only had Sloane betray us yet again.

We both stayed away from the topic of Lauren. Though I could sense Vaughn's growing frustration, I wasn't prepared to help him deal with his "wife" and her betrayal. The hurt I garnered toward losing him when I needed him the most after those two horrible years was still too raw.

Our avoidance lasted until Dr. Stanley revealed to Vaughn his suspicions about psychological conditioning Lauren might have done to him. I grimaced when I saw the rage in Vaughn's eyes when he heard the news. I couldn't help but went to his side and held his hand tightly to offer my support. I needed him to know he would never have to face this alone ... despite my feelings about his "marriage".

"Are you certain?" That was Vaughn's only question to Dr. Stanley.

"We don't think the conditioning was extensive, but there are enough signs to let us believe it had been done."

"Vaughn, we'll get through that. No matter what Lauren had done, she did not win. You're still here, doing the right thing. Don't let her get to you now." I said to Vaughn immediately after Dr. Stanley left, wanting so badly to make things easier for him, even though I knew from my own experience that he would have a long road ahead.

"Thank you, Sydney. I'm sorry ... you shouldn't have to be burdened with this." His voice softened and guilt apparent.

"Vaughn, I'll never not be there for you ... no matter what. You need to know that."

He squeezed my hand in appreciation but said he was getting tired, obviously not wanting to dwell on the topic of Lauren any further. I honestly had no clue how we could get past all that had happened the past three years so I was more than glad to give Vaughn space.

Now that Vaughn's life was no longer in danger, I found myself retrieving to what kept me sane the last few months – work. I was also determined to find Nadia. And I was emotionally too scarred to jump right back in with Vaughn. So I only went to visit him briefly after work on his third day in the hospital. Dr. Stanley told me despite Vaughn's excellent progress, there was still some concern over his heart rhythm and they wanted to monitor him a few more days before releasing him.

Needless to say, I was surprised to see him at the rotunda the next day, reporting for duty. I was even more unprepared when he asked me point-blank if we would have a chance.

Flooded by a sea of conflicting emotions, I told him I was not sure.

See, there, I was not honest to myself, or to him.

Deep in my heart that was what I wanted more than anything. I wanted a future with him. But I also knew I would not survive if I were let down again. But I had to admit it was more than satisfying to hear him tell me getting back with me was all he could think about – I knew at that moment that no matter how much damage Lauren had done to him, I would always be his touchstone, nothing could surpass the love he had for me. Would I dare to take hold of that love again and give it my all?

I could see things spiralling out of control with Vaughn during our next two missions. His intense rage coupled with my withdrawal left him no safety net. So I decided to change course. If I cared about this man as much as my heart was telling me, I needed to reach out to him and work through our issues and baggage together. Vaughn and I had always believed in us ... we could do anything as long as we stayed together ... and this was not the time for me to lose faith – in us.

If only I could get through to him. His need for revenge seemed to consume him. His action so out of character. I was really afraid for his sake, for our sake. Ever since finding out the truth about my mother, I realized my father had never recovered from her betrayal – now I wondered if Vaughn would suffer the same ill effects. I wondered if we could pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives – together.

I let Vaughn know I wanted to help him but I needed him to listen to me, to trust me. I told him we couldn't begin to think about our future until we could get him past Lauren's betrayal.

When I found out Vaughn had interrogated Sark but didn't get any information out of him, I had an unsettling feeling. If that was true, I knew how upsetting it would have been for Vaughn. If that was a lie, then Vaughn was likely out there somewhere doing something he would regret later.

Either way, I needed to find him.

When Vaughn refused my company and let me know on the phone that he was taking care of everything, my heart sank. I pleaded with Vaughn not to kill Lauren, knowing his pursuit of revenge on her betrayal would destroy Vaughn's life. Despite everything I'd said about being uncertain about our future, my heart spoke this time. I didn't want to lose him all over again. I was rather devastated when he hung up on me and I felt, for the first time since we met, that I could no longer read him.

I got upset with my father again when I realized he had fueled Vaughn's flame by encouraging him to get rid of Lauren – I had no doubt, in a sick and twisted way, Dad saw himself in Vaughn and he wanted Vaughn to carry out what he had failed to do – to kill the woman who betrayed him.

Truth be told, I would not be sorry to see Lauren dead. What I was afraid of more than anything was what murdering Lauren would do to Vaughn – to us.

My worries and fear for Vaughn turned into complete panic when I got the call informing me Vaughn had just been stabbed and was being transported by ambulance to the hospital.

I had never driven as fast as I just did. I was waiting at the hospital before the paramedics arrived and even had time to give Weiss a quick call.

Imagining Vaughn hurt, in pain and alone almost did me in. I stood as close to the entrance to Emergency as possible, hoping to be by his side the second he arrived.

When the paramedics finally wheeled him in on a gurney, he was unconscious and unresponsive, despite my ceaseless calling of his name and my effort to grab onto his hand. He was taken into surgery before I even had a chance to place a chaste kiss on his forehead.

I had never been good at seeing Vaughn in pain. To watch him fight for his life twice in less than a month was utterly unacceptable. Any sense of logic or reason went out the hospital window as I waited outside the OR. My hatred toward Lauren surfaced in full force. I would not forgive her for using Vaughn, for betraying him and for hurting him over and over. Vaughn's rage became mine.

Actually – not exactly.

I despised her for shooting Marshall and injuring all the other agents, but for messing with the one person I cared above everything and everyone else on this earth, she had to DIE! I would see to that.

My mind was made up by the time my father joined me in the hospital. I no longer blamed him for wanting to end Lauren's life. In fact, I asked him to help me on my quest, given my mission would not be official CIA business. It was his turn to try and reason me out of it.

"Vaughn's gonna be ok ... and when he is, Vaughn has to end this ... NOT you ..." countered my father.

"If it was ok for Vaughn, it's ok for me", Vaughn and I had always carried each other's burden, since a long time ago. No hatred or history would stop us from putting ourselves out there to protect the other person. Vaughn had decided that if it was ok for Kendall to put me through having to see my deceptive, traitor mother to squeeze intel, it was ok for him to volunteer to go in my place to see his father's murderer so he could spare me.

"She was his wife..." Dad tried again.

"I don't care about any of that now ..." she should NEVER have been his wife! To me, it would be a sacred task to be Michael Vaughn's wife – she took that and turned it into something dirty and ugly. "I want her to DIE! And that's gonna happen whether you help me or not..."


	3. Bliss

**Chapter 3 - Bliss  
**  
Soon as Vaughn was out of surgery and the doctors assured me that, give it time, he would make a full recovery from his punctured lung, I left him to Weiss' care in pursuit of leads that would help me find Lauren.

My trickery on Sark worked and I landed in Palermo 18 hours after I left the hospital. I needed to wait till nightfall to get past Covenant security around the excavation site. I had a lot of time to think and I knew the answer to Vaughn's question. Despite everything that happened, all the evil forces and impossible circumstances that tried to keep us apart, Vaughn and I had never stopped loving each other. It was evident in our flawless connection as partners on missions, evident in his need to protect me, evident in my efforts to "respect" his marriage, and evident in our determination to stop at nothing whenever the other person's life was put in danger. I knew beyond any doubts that I wanted a future with Vaughn – actually, I couldn't see any future other than the one with Vaughn in it – something my heart had always known and now my mind was willing to reconcile with. I just had to figure out a way to get past my fears so I wouldn't have to hold anything back from him.

Sitting on the cliff waiting for Lauren, my determination never waned. I was eager to put an end to her manipulation of my relationship with Vaughn – she, and the Covenant, used the most precious and pure thing I had known as a means to their twisted endgame.

My goal was to get rid of Lauren and get back to Vaughn as soon as possible. Nothing could get in my way – not even Aunt Katya's scheme. When Lauren finally returned to the site, I was more than ready to finish her off. I fought her with all my might and did not realize until it was too late that my rage distracted me enough to allow Lauren gain the upper hand. When she had me at gun point, I couldn't believe what I heard as we both turned around to the voice.

"Stop! Let her go." Vaughn took both Lauren and I by surprise.  
He was both the last person I expected to see and the only person I wanted to see at that very moment.

When Vaughn finally put two bullets in Lauren to free me, all I cared about was to hold on to him and never let go.

I was both amazed and alarmed ... not sure how Vaughn could even stand up straight such a short time after his surgery.  
"Vaughn, how did you get here?"  
"I came for you."  
A simple and yet most powerful declaration of love ... and I was moved to my core.

I never understood what I had done to deserve Vaughn's undying devotion – despite everything. Through it all our love came out stronger than the fate and circumstances we were dealt. I came to Palermo because of my love for Vaughn. Vaughn risked his life to get here because of his need to protect me.

All my guards were down and I didn't even notice Lauren getting up for a second attempt on my life until I saw Vaughn shoot four more bullets at her and heard her fall into the pit. At that, my only thoughts were ones of relief – knowing after what felt like a lifetime, there was nothing standing in the way between Vaughn and me. Not wanting to take my eyes off the love that I had been so afraid I had lost, Vaughn and I kissed and embraced with such passion and fervor that immediately righted my upside-down world.

I only noticed Vaughn wincing when we parted. The trek to the site and the long travel worsened Vaughn's injury and he was in a lot of pain by the time we reached the plane. I held him tightly in my arms as he broke out in cold sweats and labored with breathing. I kissed him, wiped his forehead, fed him fluids – all in an attempt to provide some relief. He would smile faintly at me and told me in a small voice, "Sydney … I am gonna be okay now that I know you're okay …" I hushed him as tears streamed down my face.

His lung almost collapsed again when I finally got him back to the hospital. Unlike the last four times Vaughn was in the hospital, I stayed right by his side. I held his hand when he slept and kissed his forehead every time he woke up calling my name.

"Syd, why don't you go home for a while and get some decent sleep ... I'm gonna be ok."  
"Can't wait to get rid of me so you can charm all the pretty nurses?" I teased.  
He just gave me that foolish grin I loved, knowing I wasn't about to let him win that argument.

It's freeing to no longer have to hide our intense feelings for each other.

"Did I drool?" I woke up the next morning and noticed Vaughn watching me sleep.  
"I'm just amazed that you're still here, with me, even though I screwed up so badly."  
"Not now, Vaughn. We'll talk about it ... when you get better, when we're out of this hospital."  
I wasn't gonna make the same mistake of letting Vaughn beat himself up all by himself. He needed to heal. I needed to heal. We needed to heal ... but if we ever want to rebuild our relationship, we needed to do that together instead of shutting each other out.

Vaughn's dislike of the hospital landed him in my apartment three days after Palermo. Weiss had offered his place but seriously, we were talking about Eric here. Besides, I would sleep better hearing Vaughn's regular breathing in the dead of the night. Since the CIA had revoked both Vaughn's and my clearance, pending their investigation into our rogue ops, I was more than happy to oblige. I played house nursing Vaughn back to health. It sounded so cliché but after having to pine for him the last year, I enjoyed having him all to myself more than I could admit.

"Vaughn … let's not talk about anything until you are all better … I know I said there's a lot for us to work out, but that could wait, okay?"

The week Vaughn spent in my apartment was almost unreal … especially after all that happened the past three years.  
We sat and read.  
We watched movies and hockey games on TV.  
We laughed and kissed.  
Like we had always done.

I took it upon myself to ensure Vaughn's full recovery. I cooked and cleaned when he napped. I redressed his wound every day and pressed soft kisses around it hoping to smooth away the inevitable scar. I rubbed his chest to soothe his fits of cough when he over-asserted himself from time to time.

Washing his hair was my favourite part. I saw him wince one morning when he tried to tame his tasselled hair and knew immediately that it must still hurt for him to lift his right arm. I took over and his grateful smile just about melted my heart. I wanted to tell him I would do anything for him if he would have me.

For the whole week, Vaughn would thank me ceaselessly and told me how much it all meant to him. What he did not know was how therapeutic it was for me to spend every waking minute with him. It helped me realize what I once thought was lost could be found again, despite the hard feelings and deep hurt we had to face and work through when we came out of this temporary haven we created. It gave me hope for the life we could reclaim once we could hash out all the betrayal, fear and insecurities we harboured during the last three years. I was determined to get there no matter how difficult it might be...


	4. you never lost us

**Chapter 4 - "you never lost us"**

I let slip one evening about how much I loved the antique picture frame he gave me all those years ago and how much I missed having it after the fire.

"I used to treasure it the way I treasured us ... the frame and the polka dot mug you got me ... I lost both," I said with the softest of sigh.

"Syd, you never lost US!" Vaughn looked me so deep in the eyes with such conviction that I had to look away.

"Sydney, please understand that Lauren never replaced you ..." he paused. "She replaced the ... bottle ..."

"Vaughn ... it's ok ... we don't have to talk about that tonight ... we'll wait till you completely recover, remember?"

Our apparent bliss aside, I was nowhere near ready to opening up to Vaughn about my missing years and my bitterness towards his "marriage". If what he just told me was true, my mind couldn't reconcile the love he proclaimed and the nagging pain of him betraying "US" when he moved on so quickly after my "death".

I retreated to a hot bath to calm the sea of emotion I felt. As I sank deeper into the warm water, Vaughn's words started to sink in my mind as well. My pride was crushed and my heart was broken when I found out about Vaughn's marriage. The pity parties I threw for myself stopped me from realizing just how much he must have hurt when he thought he had lost me forever. Had I been in his shoes, I would have picked death. He chose the bottle. When that lost its effect, he married Lauren to bury himself in mediocrity.

When I was finally ready to resurface from the bathroom, Vaughn was nowhere to be found. I began to worry when I realized his car was also gone.

I tried calling his cell but there was no answer...

The next thing I knew was a phone call from Weiss telling me Vaughn had set the house he shared with Lauren on fire.  
"I couldn't help it ... she, and the Covenant, burnt down your place and left nothing of yours behind ... she didn't deserve to have any of her stuff left behind..." Vaughn said apologetically when I picked him up from the JTF.

The "consequence" of Vaughn's compulsive action was a month of psych eval in Washington.

Technically.

We were visited by Director Chase from Langley at my apartment two days after the fire. She had an unusual proposition.

Apparently, Chase was putting together a black op CIA unit to go after all sorts of off-books investigation that were highly classified.

"I need and want the best ... even if these individuals may be a bit 'unconventional' at times." She said meaningfully when she laid the offer on the table.

"If you're interested, Agent Vaughn, I could certainly use the fire incident to facilitate an exit from the CIA. The cover story will have you go to Washington for a month of psych eval. You will then decide the CIA is not worth your trouble given what it had cost you personally ..."

"Agent Vaughn ... you have a month to decide if I'll have the privilege of your service," she then turned to give me "my plan".

"Agent Bristow, I'll arrange for you to go on an op that will go very wrong for others involved as a result of your tendency to improvise. I will then give you disciplinary action. You will be so offended by my lack of respect for your 'talent' that you would simply choose to resign."

There was more to her plans.

"If you're on board, we will give you cover jobs but you are under no circumstances to reveal the true nature of your employment to personnel outside of the unit. I will approach several others and it will be tight knit. You will also have all the resources and support you require to accomplish your missions. I'm sorry but this is just about as much detail as I can give you at this point." She paused to see if we had questions.

"Sydney, I would need your decision in two weeks so I could set things in motion to transition you. The unit will be up and running in a month's time. Agent Vaughn, Agent Bristow – I only want the finest on this unit. I hope you will seriously consider my offer. Contact me at my secured line when you have your decision."


	5. Soul Awakeing

**Chapter 5 - Soul Awakening**

"Ugh, is this the irony of all times? Did she not just ask for a SD-6 reboot, except it is supposed to be for real?" Vaughn looked at me incredulous after Chase left my place.

I was lost in the apparent paradox and there was so much going through my mind that I couldn't form much of a response. He grabbed both my hands and continued. "Sydney, I understand this is an individual decision. And my intension is not to put extra pressure on you, I want to say that up front. But Syd, I won't consider doing it if you aren't. I know we still have a lot to figure out between us, even though you have been nothing short of amazing with me the last couple weeks. The thought of having to keep things from you – I won't do it. The only thing I really care about is our future. Now that Chase has told us both about this, I doubt they wouldn't stand in our way if only one of us agrees to join."

After all the craze and duplicity of this past year, he moved me by boiling the present situation down to – not revenge, not redemption – but what would be right for us. If Vaughn and I were to pick up the pieces together, we wouldn't want to keep hidden agenda from each other. That had always been the basis of our relationship. We might have hidden things from everyone else but we were truthful to each other since day one. What was most painful last year was how much we had to hide from each other.

"Vaughn, I can't honestly say I know what I want at this point. But I know you're right. Let me think about it and we'll talk again. Besides, we need to go get your follow up x-ray tomorrow and make sure that lung is healing properly. I don't want you pushing it again if you're not ready." I wanted to retrieve to our domestic bliss before the weight of reality set in. "Back to the real world tomorrow. But for tonight, Vaughn, I just want us to have more time before facing all the fall out."

"You know I won't complain about that." And he kissed me.

Yes, we had been kissing since Palermo but we also had been keeping it chaste, despite my insisting of him sharing my bed so I could be sure he was physically fine. I was surprised how comfortable we were with each other the last couple weeks. Aside from all the ops we went on last year, we hadn't been together outside of work for three years. But we still knew each other's rhythm and queues. And to my amazement, he still made me coffee exactly the way I liked it. But I wasn't ready to get back to being physical – not just yet. He never tried overstepping, not even once, and I was grateful for that.

I went with Vaughn to Medical the next day and he was cleared to report for duties. The doctor was impressed by his recovery considering the multiple close calls he had in less than a year.

"Syd, you really had no reasons to do everything you did – but thank you."  
"Just because we're still figuring things out doesn't mean you're any less important to me. Actually that is exactly why I think we need time to get it right. Vaughn, I wanted to spend the last couple weeks with you. After everything that happened last year, we both needed it." I kissed him this time to let him know how I really felt.  
"The agency will be sending me to Washington for a month. Syd, I hate to leave you now."  
"It's gonna be okay – we'll talk more when you get back."  
"What about the black ops offer – what are you thinking, Sydney?"  
"Not having to worry so much about protocols and channels certainly is tempting, especially after all the inter-agency politics with the JTF. Of course I still want to serve my country, but honestly, I can use a fresh start. What about you, Vaughn?"  
"It's hard not to be jaded after everything that happened. A change of scenery sounds great. But I was serious about what I said last night. I'm in only if you're. Weiss once said the reason we did such good work together was because of the way we felt about each other. Syd, I can't just sit around letting you go out on your own – it'd kill me."  
"I'll go back to the CIA to be reinstated. I'll give Chase my final decision and follow her plan…"  
"And I'll confirm with Chase after you quit." He paused and looked at me knowingly. "Okay, Syd, let's do it."

We were both keen to put the past behind us but it was easier said than done. With Vaughn away in D.C., I had time to reflect on things that happened and I remembered what Lauren ranted in Palermo just before she got shot. I told myself not to believe any of it but my curiosity just got too strong. Vaughn had called me almost daily and we would just chat causally about our day. Toward the end of his second week in Washington, I told him I needed to be away for a few days to take care of something – and I left for Wittenburg. What I found in that safety deposit box shook me to the core.

The content of those pages stirred all kinds of questions, doubts and fears within and made me question every relationship in my life – including the one with Vaughn. With the time we spent together during Vaughn's recovery, I could sense we both wanted to fall right back to where we were, as if the last three years had never happened. But this time apart had also given me the space and the perspective to pull back – for me to listen more to my head than my heart. Not that I was giving up on us but I also couldn't deal with it all. On one hand, I wanted nothing more than telling him everything I found out as he had always been my refuge in stormiest times. On the other hand, I couldn't trust that things between us would ever be the same again. If my father had a need to execute his traitor wife after 30 years, what would Lauren's betrayal turn Vaughn into? I took to what I knew best – my work – to focus on the task at hand, to quit the CIA and to join the new unit. I made myself ignore Vaughn's calls, only to fish bits and pieces of info from Weiss in case I missed anything important.

The two weeks I spent in emotional tailspin alone gave me the edge to successfully "quit" the CIA after the staged mission in Shanghai went so "terribly wrong". I was looking forward to starting my new job – but I also knew Vaughn would be there. That was our agreement. As much as I had been apprehensive about my conflicting feelings for him, deep down inside I had never entertained a future without him and we needed to work together so our job wouldn't keep us apart.

My initial excitement about my new job turned into rage when I found out I was stuck with Arvin Sloane being my new boss. My only defense against my despair over how little control I had in life was to be cold and detached. I intentionally pushed Vaughn further away even though I was relieved to have him back safe and sound. I avoided speaking to him after getting our first assignment.

When I was home alone to pack for our mission to Belarus, I realized how much I was at war with myself. Vaughn made it clear he was eager to reunite when he stopped by my place but I told him I wanted to take things slow … yet that was furthest from the truth where my heart was concerned. I wouldn't let him come into my apartment because I didn't want to jump right back to where we left off… but if I were honest, I was more than willing… I had been dying to… I was just too afraid. As I closed my front door, I wondered how much I had screwed things up.

My frustration with Sloane heading up APO did not give me the right to take things out on Vaughn – so I made it clear on our way to Belarus that I wasn't angry at him, that I was happy to be working with him again. Vaughn was more than professional and he was still the perfect partner on the job. I could always count on how seamless we were together on missions. And I couldn't imagine what would have happened had he not been with me on that train! I was so busy trying to hold on that I didn't realize how close I was to falling off until I saw the look on his face when he pulled me back into the cargo cart.

He looked as if he just had his worst nightmare – and I knew nightmares.

He held on to me so tight I didn't think he was ever going to let go. When we finally broke apart and he so tenderly caressed my face, I could tell he was doing all he could to hold it together.

Standing in front of him, seeing the love in his eyes that was so determined, I hated myself for being foolish and stubborn. Why must it take life-and-death situations for me to follow my heart? Could I forgive myself if we weren't so lucky next time? If things around me were often out of my control, why would I not take hold of the one thing I could?

I had no more need for the façade of cold and controlled. Vaughn and I jumped right back into our relationship with full-on pent-up passion and unmet needs. We had to work hard to not be all over each other on our flight home but it was a completely different story once we got inside the house. The love-making was both quenching and healing.

Did I have all my issues resolved? Not by a long shot – but trying to do it without the one person that I needed to do it with was the worst idea I ever had. There was no denying that we needed each other and we belonged together. While it would take time for us to rebuild our relationship, we were no longer hiding from our love.

We loved each other – plain and simple. Even if it had been masked and hidden for a while. And it would get us through the complicated stuff.

Now that my soul, our souls, had finally awakened, each day was getting a little brighter…

I no longer had to carry the burden of truth alone – no matter what it revealed.

~ Fin ~

**AN:** I have always felt there is a big plot hole between the end of S3 and the start of S4 with the SV relationship. How they went from kissing passionately in Palermo to Sydney somewhat cold-shouldering Vaughn when they started at APO. This fic is my attempt at a transition for them to stay true to the way they always are with each other.

_**To SV Shippers still out there - **Please post review to let me know if I should continue with more SV missing moments in S4. _


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